Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Because I Love You.

Dear Henry,

When I announced that my little sticker chart was finally motivating silent nights, I didn't mean for it to be a challenge issued to you to step it up. I didn't realize you read this blog... but if you could just ease up on the 3am-waking-yelling-screaming thing again, I'd be so so glad.

I hope you don't remember all this. I hope I don't remember this- well, not all of it. Not how intensely frustrated I feel. Not how exhausted I am every morning these days. Not how disappointing it is to withhold the stars from this chart I've created that now seems only to serve as a beat-down in the mornings when you've cheated yourself out of success and have to stand by and watch Sister get another and another. Ugh.

Being the one who has to teach you this lesson right now- that you can't yell and scream to get what you want... that you can solve problems for yourself without my intervention every time... that a real emergency is not finding a hole in your blanket, having an itch on your foot, or suddenly realizing you should have picked up your trucks- is hard. It's hard to know which times to respond to your yells and which times to ignore them. It's hard to know what types of consequences are appropriate. It's hard to figure out how to teach you why this isn't OK.

It's hard, but it's important, I know. I also know that some day, you'll be the teacher in a similarly difficult struggle, and I hope in that moment you'll understand that my participation in this struggle of ours is because I love you. I love you so much. I'm fighting this one out with you because I love you, and I know it won't be the last time we clash. We're setting all the ground rules for all the times after this and beyond where you'll learn and grow, and because of that I have to insist that my way is the right way. At least for now.

I have to be consistent. I won't give up, and I won't give in. I can only hope that any mistakes I make along the way are never big enough to overshadow the love I have for you, even in these sleep-deprived, trying nights. I just hope that some day, when this Big Deal has shrunk down to a little blip in your early childhood, we'll forget all the strife and you'll just marvel at how much I love you.

But until then, could you cut the crap, please?

Thanks. Love,

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