This morning, I was looking out into the room where most of Audrey's toys reside, and it struck me how much I've changed in the past 19 months. After Audrey was born, I had to kind of redefine myself, and I struggled with that process. I had a new moms' journal, and even though I wrote in it about 3 times, one of those entries really sticks out to me:
'At 7:20am, I have been awake for more than 2 hours already, and sit in the living room, staring at her
brightly-colored play mat. I still feel somewhat in denial, I think, about motherhood. She feels more like a chore or task I have to accomplish, not a permanent fixture and addition to the family. I get so focused on the daily to-do's that I forget about the implications of Audrey. Now, sitting here with her asleep, listening to the washing machine and looking at her play center, I feel a slight glimmer of realization that yes, she is a person who will be in my life always and will probably outlive me. Honestly, it's still weird to see kid stuff in my house.'
I think it's human to struggle with change, no matter how big or small. Change is uncomfortable. Change is difficult. But so are the things in life worth having. The discomfort, struggle, and work that comes with change makes the result that much better, and you that much stronger. That's been the truth for me so far, anyway (isn't hindsight nice?).
Today, I can't imagine my life or our family with out my Little One. She is the most amazing person I've ever met, and the most important thing I've ever done in my life. Her little Audrey-isms and quarks, her sense of humor, and her stubbornness have been beyond worth the struggle and adjustments that came in the beginning, and the view from the kitchen today is the best it's ever been.